News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Toilet roll emergency – Don stuck on the loe


Today was a big day for the Don, it was his first day forgetting to buy his favourite Velvet Triple soft toilet roll and it came as a shock because everyone else was out covering up yesterdays robberies.

Because of this, the Don had to call in an old friend… me, Big Tony (I’m actually 5ft 1″). I had a surprising experience as Martin Mcolls news agents, who Don usually purchases his toilet roll from where out of stock and the nearest place was Morrison’s in Bude.

I had to of course get there and that meant something I’ve not had to do for a long time, public transport. I had to get the 6 bus from Holsworthy Bus shelter to Bude in order to complete my mission and I must say what a confusing day. Firstly, who’s bright idea was it to change the bus numbers from X9 to 6… They basically got bored and removed the “x” and turned the 9 upside down, someone had a fun day in the office. Secondly, who the hell writes the bus times? They are all over the place, I’m thinking right now, the Don has been sat on the throne for almost an hour and I’ve not even gotten onto the bus. So by 14:57, the bus arrives, 2 MINUTES LATE, and then the driver has the audacity to use the public toilets further delaying my important journey.

So the bus departs, I’m sat at the front on the right hand side on the top deck, you know, pretending I’m a bus driver, don’t lie, we all do it when suddenly some kids are playing their terrible Justin Bieber music. What the hell are they doing? I’m trying to pretend to drive a HUGE double decker bus here and I’ve got those twerps distracting me.

I get into Bude at 15:13, not sure if that is late, but I’m making a note that I should pretend to drive faster next time. I get into Morrisons and thankfully, they have the goods. I pick up my toilet roll and head back and thankfully there is a bus almost immediately waiting for me, nice one, again, packed with school kids, it wasnt a fun quiet trip home and the front seats where taken up and then something dawns on me… WAITROSE HAS THIS BRAND OF LOE ROLL!

So by now, the Don has been sat on the throne for several hours, I get the goods to him and complete the mission successfully however, I’ve now been banned from toilet roll duties because of the time it took and because I never took Waitrose into consideration.



Updated: January 16, 2016 — 8:51 pm
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