News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Letter from Tony – Why this site has been dead….

Dear Sirs.
I’d like to inform you of my whereabouts. In 2020 (sometime), I got drunk and boarded a plane to Thailand for a cheap package holiday I saw advertised on Devon Live.
The journey was mostly uneventful, apart from a flame out on a plane engine, which was shortly resolved. We landed in 2 pieces and everything was fine.
The journey to the check in desk was short and quick, it was just 18 hours from the airport and a journey made by motorcycle in the rainy season meant for a pleasant ride, experiencing the climates of other countries kept my most amused. We passed many interesting bridges and different types of architecture, very different to that of Bude, Devon.

HONDA ECM2800 2.8Kva Petrol Generator 110v / 230v with Long Run Tank
We found the hotel after 18 hours. It was a delight, open plan meaning we could sleep under the stars, and rain. Their power was out, but in all fairness, they never specified on booking.com that there was electricity, or a ceiling, so I couldn’t complain, I kept in high spirits whilst battling cold blustery showers from some nasty stormy weather, luckily though, in my hand luggage, I’d packed a honda generator. I quickly made use of this to charge my phone. I felt like Thomas Edison, a lit room surrounded by others in darkness.
The next day shortly arrived. I remember it clearly, I woke up to the sun blasting down upon me, warming my soaked clothes and body, it was a feeling I’ll never forget. Such a wonderful awakening, oh, and the banging on what was left of the rotten door from the immigration department. Thats where things started to go downhill.
They had noted that the Don had previously been here and had committed many crimes, to which I wasn’t yet allowed to know, but they were severe enough for me to have been tracked along my 18 hour journey to this remote settlement. They also told me I had taken many wrong turns, as it only took them 35 minutes. They arrived before us and were asleep when we checked in. I should have clocked their van, a brand new flower van with a big satelite dish on the roof.
I was swiftly detained and taken in for questioning, which wasn’t easy as I didn’t speak their lingo. A translator quickly arrived who had questionable skills, whatever was said led me to be thrown into a prison for what was 2 years, it should have been around 2 nights, but some outbreak or something hampered efforts of our government to get me deported and back to the UK.

 

Thailand Separates LGBTQ Inmates, Considers Segregated Prison
The prison wasn’t horrendous, I had a metal bed, very sturdy construction, a pre-owned mattress of some sort, bedding, but most importantly, a ceiling and electricity. This was fantastic, because I had asked and begged to bring my generator in to keep me warm and my phone charged, but apparently in Thailand, you are not allowed to bring a generator into your cell, nor a mobile phone or even a pasty. Foreigners…. I was assigned a cell mate who was called Mr Hu Yu Hai Ding, he informed me he was imprisoned for kidnapping train spotters. Me and Hu got on very well. He would let me use the toilet 3 times a week, and taught me how to make a lovely tasting drink from various things around the cell, mostly urine. He added this odd ingredient called LCD or something.
Things were going absolutely great, I had a good friend, a roof over my head and electricity but then, suddenly, things changed. One day, we get removed from each other. It was rather odd, I was picking up the soap that Hu always dropped. He would always take forever to pick it up, so in the end, I’d just pick it up for him. These Thai boys are weird.
Anyway – I digress. I was knocked out, and woken up on a military aircraft heading to some government base. It took them 10 months to do this, so I was very confused. If I had done something so severe, it would have had instant consequences right? Odd. They took me to this really odd place, in some mountainous area, I assume still in Thailand as the planes was still a Thailand military aircraft when we landed, with odd Thai writing. I was removed from the plan and walked into a massive hanger, nothing out of the ordinary, just your average hanger on an airbase. The hanger door opens slightly and we walk through into what is the single most brightest room I’ve ever been in. If you want to tackle climate change – this is the hanger to destroy, the energy usage was immense as these lights were so warm to the skin, they were certainly not LED lights, they were clearly Halogen bulbs. We move along this room, and enter into an elevator, which didn’t go up, it went down, for what felt like 10 minutes, stopping suddenly like it hit the floor at a mildly high speed. The doors open, and finally, LED lights that weren’t too bright. Whoever was in charge of this area was clearly aware of global warming.
I’m walked down this long corridor, it felt like it was a mile, but it felt like the lights were accelerating past me at the speed of sound. There was some wooshing sounds, occasionally it would appear we were near workshops, tools could be heard, drills, diggers etc. We made it to room 873 where I was greeted by a white man in a suit. He was really nicely dressed, sharp looking beard and well trimmed, blueish eyes, perfect hair etc. He was quite a handsome chap. He explained to me I was being detained due to crimes that have been linked to the Don and that because I am closely related, I was being used as a hostage to lure the Don back to Thailand. After I explained the Don is a demented old fart who by this stage doesn’t even know I exist, they locked me up in a small cell. Still, with a roof and electricity, but no generator of mine. By now, I was concerned I’d never see it again. For all I know its still at the open top hotel I first stayed in keeping others warm, disloyal to its master, me.
Over the course of a few months – I was visited by various agents and various people. I swear I even saw someone with scales as skin, but I was assured this wasn’t real. It had been months since I had seen daylight and to be frank, I was going insane. Days went by where I was just given an amount of food, barely enough to survive, I was given a bucket, you know, to use as a drum to keep myself entertained, I have now mastered playing the Phil Collins cadburys advert song with a bucket, a talent I hope will lead me to a new life when / if I get home.
After several months, I am taken from my cell, drugged and all I can say is, well, not much. I woke up back in my cell with some paperwork several months later, back with my faithful Hu, who had hidden all my mail for me. He was great at hiding anything and anyone. Just not me that sad morning.
The paperwork enclosed is attached below:

Tony Bigman-1

I had a quick uneventful 4 day flight home, unfortunately, the hotels during the connecting countries wasn’t covered by the government, they also refused my Amazon vouchers.

Basically – Thialand was awesome. I recommend it highly, a originally planned 2 week stay turned into years with little to no cost to me!

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Updated: February 20, 2022 — 9:05 pm
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