As the world slowly comes to the realisation that WW3 is on the horizon, most people are looking to their families and making preparations. With the world teetering on the edge, the average human is sorting supplies, re-enforcing their perimeters and hiding their Goat porn, as they keep their eyes firmly fixed on the news. Most people are expecting the imminent news of the apocalypse to originate with the clusterfuck that America and Iran are currently engaged in. Most people would be wrong though.
Today, Saturday the 4th of January 2020, World War 3 was started in the leafy countryside town of Holsworthy. How? (nobody asked). WW3 actually started after the binmen at Torridge district council were accused of not doing their jobs and leaving rubbish outside the upmarket area of Holsworthy known as the ‘Green flats’. Normally this quite average rant about bins would have gone unnoticed, however Charles Cobblyrick (a local ISIS impersonator and C grade cricket player) responded by pointing out that it was infact the binmens busiest time of year and that if bin bags are ripped the responsibility lies with the owner, NOT the binmen. A not unreasonable position to take. However, he then went on to call John Trees a nonce, a move which unleashed a nuclear armageddon of bad spelling, chav talk and threats, which included (but were not limited too) a famous pornstar fiancé being unleashed, the ferocious arguement ending term ‘End off’ being used multiple times, talk of benefits, dole, 6 packs and finally the threat of reporting this entire situation to Facebook.
None of this seemed to stop the slow role to war though, as the comments racked up to a mind numbing 105 comments. None of which made the slightest bit of sense. One commentator didn’t say that it was like the Holsworthy Moan and groan of old, when funeral parlours and washing machine corner dominated the conversation.
Mediators were called in to sooth the situation, with one saying “I love you really Cobblecunt” However this declaration of gay love did nothing to dampen the irate tempers. As of yet the heated exchange shows no sign of slowing, with knock on effects already taking place. Stock markets have crashed, gun sales have risen and the White hart has run out of Doom bar.
The Holsworthy mafia reached out to the supreme leader of Iran, Ali Khamenei for his take on these world altering events. He had this to say:
“Why do you disturb me and my Goat? why? I will unleash the fury of a 1000 suns on Holsworthy if it does not sort out it’s bin problem. Now be gone peasants, as I have terrorists to fund”
The Holsworthy Mafia also reached out to the leader of the free world, and president of the United states of America: Donald Trump. However he was to busy eating crayons and licking windows to be able to speak to us.
How will this war end? Will the bins be collected? Will the fiancé make another porn film before the nuclear holocaust? Nobody knows. What is known is that WW3 started in Holsworthy.
This report was brought to you by Johnny Ritalin