News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Attention seeking man bores local populace.

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A man, who cannot be named for attention seeking reasons, is boring the local populace by insisting on regularly going live on Facebook to share his ‘stream of consciousness’. In his live sessions the man says a lot of words over a long period of time whilst performing some perfunctory task, such as driving or having a smoke, and appears to genuinely believe that he is either informative or entertaining in some way. On closer inspection, and entirely at our own risk, we have discovered that none of the words that he says are in any coherent order and so for the first few seconds you feel that you ‘should’ be able to understand, although you quickly realise that the longer you listen, the less sense he makes. From this short, and frankly uninterested, investigation, we can only surmise that the random and unconnected words are an attempt to single handedly take on the task of the infinite amount of illiterate monkeys with typewriters and an infinite amount of time, and assume that he hopes that somewhere within the dirge he will produce the entire works of Shakespeare. So far, however, all that seems to have arisen is bullshit. One monkey took the time out of his arduous task to comment “I take my job very seriously and this is why the internet is bad. Most people use it to look at cat photos, post non-personal memes about their kids being better than everyone else’s or wish small babies who don’t have Facebook accounts Happy Birthday, not this drivel, which is essentially some jumped up weirdo who thinks he is a ‘personality’ which, if you include the personality of a narcissistic, self righteous arsehole, I suppose he is.” A professional, who is not qualified in psychology, warns, “It is considered good social practice to organise and edit the words in your head before they come out of your mouth and this man seems to have missed the memo. Of course it is your choice to listen, but at the three minute mark people generally want to gouge their own eardrums out with a fork to cease the incessant whining and diving off onto tangents about large corporation conspiracy, so we recommend that you don’t. Engaging with the idiot only serves to inflate his already excessive ego because, I suppose, all publicity is good publicity and it’s the small number of interactions that probably make him feel special, not the fact that 70% of the comments contain the word ‘prick’. Stay away, stay well away.” We have been advised that the man is moving away and, although we considered warning his new neighbours that he’s coming that way, we selfishly decided that might lead to him not actually moving… So we didn’t. We wish them the best of luck. Lady C. Disclaimer: Lady C does not personally know any of the people mentioned in this report, nor any associated persons. In fact you definitely don’t know Lady C, because she’s careful like that.

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Updated: September 27, 2019 — 11:17 am
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