The Holsworthy mafia can exclusively reveal that the supreme emperor of all Holsworthy St Jon of Hutchings, has decided to follow in the footsteps of Donald Trump.
When news broke last week that the president of the U.S.A Donald Trump had asked to purchase Greenland from Denmark the seed of an idea started to grow in the mind of our former Mayor. Within 48 hrs the idea was formulated and an official bid was put together.
The Holsworthy Mafia sat down with the High overlord of all Holsworthy St Jon of Hutchings to discuss this exciting development.
HM: “So Jon, what brought on this idea?”
JH: “It’s something I’ve thought about for a while, ever since Devon Live started saying that Bude was in Devon. When my mate Donald floated his idea for Greenland I realised now was the time to start making outrageous demands. I mean if Denmark will sell Greenland, then it makes sense that Cornwall would sell Bude.”
HM: “What are your plans for Bude once you own it?”
JH: “I’m glad you asked that question. I have a 10 point plan for Bude. These are:-
- We will be changing the name from Bude to Chungs, and using it as a base of opperations to export chinese food to China, in what i believe is an expanding market.
- We will nationalise the Cornish pasty and turn the town of
BudeChungs into the worlds largest pasty manufacturer. Eliminating the need for Ginsters.
- Anyone caught putting Jam on first will be deported to Camborne.
- I will legalise the sport of kicking wheelie bins.
- I will turn the Premier Inn into the Hutchings Tower, and will be painting it neon piss yellow.
- Meth Cat will be given free Meth for life.
- I will be charging £49.99 per person to use the
budeChungs Tunnel. This will be subsidised by Sainsbury’s who get far to much publicity from this national monument.
- I will build a wall around
BudeChungs and make Launceston pay for it. This will keep all the Grockles that enter during Summer, there during the Winter.
- I will be suggesting to the government that a nuclear power plant be built on Crooklets beach to power Hutchings tower and
BudeChungs with a 0 carbon commitment. I’ve watched Chernobyl and know how to not break a reactor. I have already sourced a reactor from Russia at a very reasonable price.
- I will stop GCHQ being the worlds premier surveillance agency and instead turn it into the worlds premier distributer of Pornhub.
HM: “Those are definitely some interesting ideas you have there. Who is going to run this new Devon town of Chungs?”
JH: “Well obviously I am to busy running Holsworthy, so I will leave the day to day business of running
Bude Chungs to the admin team of Bude Banter. they seem capable of f**king things up by themselves”
HM: “What about the tiny hamlet of Stratton that lies between Holsworthy and Bude?”
JH: “It will be bulldozed and turned into a bypass”
HM: “How come you chose
Bude Chungs? and not, say, Bodmin?”
JH: “I did consider Bodmin, but then I realised that I didn’t lick windows”
HM: “How much are you going to pay for the town of Bude?”
JH: “I am looking to do a payment plan of £4.20 a month for 420 months, plus a pint of Doom bar for each resident.
The Holsworthy Mafia stopped the interview there as St Jon of Hutchings had to leave and go deal with an emergency puddle on Fore street.
In the interests of fairness the Holsworthy Mafia reached out to the Mayor of Bude, Bob ‘the budgie smuggler’ Willingham. Unfortunately he was busy auditioning for the new season of Love Island and was unavailable for comment. However his assistant ‘Macy Flange’ said he was considering the sale, as it may distract the townsfolk from the whole Ivor potter Hall situation.
The Holsworthy Mafia will not be updating this story as we have to be back home before the street lights go out.
Edit: St Jon of Hutchings gave us this publicity photo to publish with the story.