The Holsworthy Mafia can exclusively reveal the final solution to the towns crime wave has arrived. The N.W.A or Neighbour Hood Watch Alliance as they are formally called have a plan to eradicate crime, and bring those responsible to justice, using the towns court leet to sentence the criminals to local punishment. Such as helping Dave Millman pack his meat and two veg away of an evening. Help George Willcox maintain his brutal sex panther wagon. Or assist Nick Cousins with his early morning scratching ritual.
They aim to use high tech solutions to communicate with each other such as Facebook and smoke signals. We spoke to the leader of the N.W.A Saint Jon of Hutchings who had this to say:
We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.
We honestly can’t think where we have heard this powering speech from, but Jon insists he said it first back on June the 3rd, 1940.
We asked Jon what some of his aims are for the new
Holsworthy Republican Army N.W.A.
- Clean up the streets with AK47s, long handled brooms and soapy water.
- Re-introduce the Respect by respecting one anothers respectations. Only by respecting their respectations will respect be restored to our once respectful streets.
- Remove graffiti by painting over them with large red slogans and black crosses, to mark where the graffiti once blighted our community.
- Enforce local speed limits by re-introducing the horse and cart. Every horse and cart must have a speed limiter, rev limiter and dash cam installed by the manufacturer of the horse as standard.
- The ban of all people from Newcastle, pricks.
We asked to speak to some other members of the
Holsworthy Republican Army N.W.A but they just asked us if we liked DAAAAAGs, to which we responded, no, we like CAAAAATs. But they did offer us a lovely caravan in periwinkle blue with no wheels.
We will not be updating this story because these pills are starting to kick in and I have a dragon chasing me trying to sell me ice creams.