News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

A new Queen of all Holsworthy has been elected.



The Holsworthy Mafia were granted exclusive access to the recent coronation of Holsworthy’s new queen. Here is our report.

On Wednesday the 15th of May, the great and good of Devon and Cornwall descended on the Southwest’s capital city, to witness the coronation of the new ruler of Holsworthy. Taking place in the memorial hall and starting promptly at 7pm, the coronation got of to a mesmerising start.

The Supreme commander of all Holsworthy, Sir Jonathon of Hutchings gave an address to the gathered masses where he thanked them for their obedience and outlined plans for his future. His plans included reminding Torridge district council that Holsworthy has been over looked for too long, and that they should prepare to finally listen our concerns. He also expressed his desire to spend more time with his first love: Goats. He was quoted as saying ” Me? I love my goats”.

After his speech, it was time to get on with the business of electing a new Overlord.  In a move that had been months in the planning Sir Jon of Hutchings surprised a few people, (and left a few people looking like they had been slapped around the face with a dead fish) by nominating Councillor Jo Heaven for the position of Supreme Empress of all the galaxy.  The elders of the town spent a whole 3 seconds conferring amongst themselves, before unanimously agreeing on Jon’s choice.

With the vote over and done with, it was time to anoint the new Galactic ruler of all the cosmos. Arriving in the memorial hall on a shining white steed, while a stirring rendition of AC/DC’s ‘Highway to Hell’ played across the PA system, our freshly christened leader accepted her new position. Upon being anointed she took the new name of ‘St Jo of Heaven,’ and will henceforth be known as thus.

Her first act as the supreme overlord, ruler of the galaxy, and empress of all Holsworthy was to nominate a deputy. Unfortunately this didn’t go to plan as her nominee was away at a very, very important dance event.  St Jo of Heaven’s next decree was to announce a day off work for everyone, on Monday the 27th of May. This second decree was immediately approved by the council as it coincided with a planned bank holiday.

Once the official business was over and done with, the great and good got on with the serious business of getting drunk and feasting on a wonderful buffet.

The Holsworthy Mafia reached out to St Jo of Heaven for comment. After being granted permission from Cllr joan allen, we got to speak to our new Empress. She had this to say:-

 “Who the f**k are you?  Where are those two idiots that used to run the mafia? Now be gone with you peasant, and don’t disturb me again”

The Holsworthy mafia were then escorted from the venue by security.

We will not be updating this article as we have been told not too.



Updated: May 20, 2019 — 3:34 pm
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