News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Town Furious as two local institutions are vandalised in a week.

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Holsworthy has been left saddened and shocked this week. In a devastating few days, the town has had to come to terms with the fact that not one, BUT two of it’s famed local attractions have been vandalised in the space of one week.


The first heinous act of vandalism took place earlier in the week, when Holsworthys famous outdoor swimming pool was drained and left empty.  The ‘Peter, Peter and Wright’ puddle (or open air swimming pool as it’s known to many) has been a famed part of Holsworthys landscape since records began. One local historian has even been quoted as saying that the puddle is remnants left over from the Great flood of Noah’s time.

However in a brazen act of daylight vandalism ‘South west highways’ were seen messing around with the puddle. It is believed that this is the fourth time they have tried to vandalise the puddle in a few short months, and it seems that this time their reckless behaviour has been rewarded. It turns out that despite numerous locals telling them that maybe if they cleaned the drains they might be successful ‘South west highways’ refused to listen. Until now, that is.  After finally doing their job correctly and cleaning the drains, the famed puddle/swimming pool is no more.


The Holsworthy mafia reached out to our local mayor ‘Saint Jon of Hutchings’ to get his take on this woeful act of destruction. He had this to say:-

  ” I’ve been telling those idiots at the Highways agency for years that they needed to clean the bloody drains, but all they seemed to care about was how many tonnes of chippings they could leave in various local layby’s. I just worry about where the local population is going to go swimming outdoors now that the puddle is gone. I do hear that there is a pretty decent sized pothole up Coles mill. Maybe people could use that”


The Holsworthy mafia also reached out to ‘Peter, Peter and Wright’ to find out what they thought about loosing the thing that made them famous. They once again pointed out to us that they were a serious business and could we please, politely f**k off, before they sued us.

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The second act of Mindless vandalism was committed at the Holsworthy School of witchcraft and wizardry (or the old Bazaar as it is known to many).

The old bazaar shop has stood in Holsworthy square since dinosaurs have roamed the earth. Part of its unique charm has always been that it has been held up with scaffolding. This scaffolding was erected in 1066 when William the conqueror invaded, though many people feel like it has been there a lot longer.

Despite the scaffoldings beloved status in the town, a group of men this morning have been witnessed tearing it down. Without any regard for the towns thoughts and wishes. These men have done away with 10,000 years of tradition. All they have left behind is a painstakingly restored and beautiful piece of local architecture that greatly enhances the local square.  However a group of local vigilantes has already formed, and is on the hunt for these miscreants.


The Holsworthy Mafia spoke to local resident and shopkeeper ‘Pete Tinyusphallus’ to get his take on the situation. He had this to say:-

  “Well i mean it’s bleddy ridiculous. If the scaffolding is not there what the hell are we gonna have to moan about?  All they have left behind is a gorgeous building that enhances it’s surroundings. I’ve never heard of such stupidity. We’re gonna hunt the buggers down and give em a good seeing to”

The Holsworthy mafia halted the interview there as ‘Pete’ had started to drool when he said that they were gonna give them a ‘good seeing too’

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The Holsworthy Mafia will not be updating this story as we are of up Coles Mill for a swim.



Updated: March 8, 2019 — 5:22 pm
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