News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

‘Taken’ 4 to start filming in Holsworthy.



The Holsworthy Mafia can exclusively reveal that the popular film franchise ‘Taken’ starring Liam Neeson is set to film it’s next installment in Holsworthy.  The popular movies follow the life of Bryan Mills, who takes revenge on people who have done him wrong. After the third film in the series where Liam Neeson’s character kills bad people who have done bad things, the producers were stumped as to where to take the hugely popular film franchise next.


However the producers of the ‘Taken’ films accidentally stumbled upon the social media account of Holsworthys Mayor, and quickly found inspiration for a fourth film in the franchise.


The Mayor of Holsworthy took to social media at the weekend after after the town was rocked by an act of mindless vandalism.  The vandalism took place in Stanhope park, where a man who is suffering from severe erectile dysfunction got upset by seeing a stout, hard piece of wood in the park. Upon seeing this piece of timber standing proud, he got so upset that he ripped it out of the ground and took it home with him, in the hopes of learning how to get a hard piece of wood. The fact that this piece of wood was holding up a tree dedicated to those brave men who gave their lives in WW1 didn’t faze the prize idiot at all.


Well our Mayor was not going to let this stand. He quickly took to Facebook and issued an ultimatum. His statement reads as follows:-


To the person who decided it would be a good idea to remove one of the supports from one of our trees in the park. You have 48 hours to put it right or we will inform the police and review CCTV. These are not just any trees they are a memorial to the men of holsworthy who lost their lives in the first world war. Regards The Mayor


Upon reading the Mayors statement the producers of the ‘Taken’ films immediately realised that what the Mayor had ACTUALLY said was:-


I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my wooden post go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.

After seeing the Mayors response to this act of utter stupidity, the defenders of Holsworthy, and our towns very own crack squad of super soldiers got involved. Holsworthys 1st Scout squad also issued an ultimatum. Their statement was as follows:-

 And it’s the tree that 1st Holsworthy Scout Group sponsored so unless you want 25 blue ninjas. 30 green angry cubs and another 30 super scary scouts who know places you will never be found hunting you. Put it right.

As everyone in Holsworthy knows you don’t mess with the scouts (wars have been started over less), so the combination of a vengeance seeking mayor, and a bunch of angry 4ft tall ninjas proved to much for the lad with the floppy ‘Jon Thomas’. The missing stake from the WW1 memorial was soon returned under the cover of darkness, bringing a happy conclusion to this whole sordid affair.




Well the producers of the ‘Taken’ films knew the tale of Child ninjas, a Vengeful Mayor out to right a wrong, and an evil wrong doer with a problem in the pants department, was to good a story to pass up on. Talks were soon underway with the Elders of the town, and a deal was soon struck to start filming in the summer.


We reached out to the Mayor for a statement. Jon ‘I will find you’ Hutchings had this to say:-

 “I am pleased to say that filming will start soon, it is a good thing for the town. ……… Wait.  Don’t you two idiots owe me a tab in the bar? “

The Holsworthy Mafia broke of the interview there, and are currently hiding at an undisclosed location.





Updated: February 26, 2019 — 8:05 pm
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