News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

2018 A year in the life of Holsworthy (Mafia style).

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What a year 2018 has been. It has been a year filled with highs and lows, and much more in between.  We here at the Holsworthy mafia, have recorded some (not all of it) for our, and your pleasure. So today we have decided to have a look back at the year that was 2018.


We were asleep for most of January AND February and didn’t write bugger all, and TBH we can’t remember what happened. So from trawling the net we have learned that the Phantom pooper had horrified councillors and left our town handyman George Wilcox with a crap load of work to do.

Speaking of shit, it was also announced that some people in Holsworthy would see a rise in their council tax

In national news,  Storm Eleanor caused a bit of stir, and people moaned about Brexit.

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We were still asleep, so looking through the net again we have learned that the pavilion project in Stanhope park got some extra funding

A 4×4 was nicked and set on fire out at Dunsland wood

In national news, Toy r Us and Maplin went into administration and there was an earthquake in wales. People still moaned about Brexit.

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We came out of hibernation and actually wrote some nonsense. To start with, Dave Millman took a day off. Yes you read that correctly. Dangerous Dave Millman was not in his shop, and it caused widespread panic across the whole of Holsworthy.

Also some fake £20 notes started doing the rounds.

The Co-op closed early due to snow.

In national news, the worlds smartest man Stephen Hawking died, and people still whined about Brexit.

David Millman of Holsworthy


A Citroen kept parking in silly places and caused quite the hoo-ha on facebook.

Cars in the Market started to become a thing.

The Chapel street bridge took out a couple of lorries.

It was also announced that in-patient beds were set to return to Holsworthy.

In national news, the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a boy. People still moaned about Brexit.



Antisocial behaviour was a bit of an issue, with crimes going up 79% so we decided to hold a purge.

Someone parked like an idiot in Waitrose.

T.D.C changed their recycling days and pissed everybody of in the process.

In national news, the Chequered Skipper butterfly was reintroduced in Rockingham forest, and people still complained about a democratic vote called Brexit.



The parking in Station road carried on being a complete nightmare.

A man with a micropenis went on a rampage and smashed up a load of cars in the memorial hall car park.

The Co-Op introduced a vending machine for the worst coffee EVER.

The green flats continued to be a pain in the ass.

The nutters across the Tamar went into meltdown over a new Subway and the crazy hot conditions in B & M.

The ‘Green flats‘ were closed for 3 months, after the entire town had got fed up with them.

In national news, the Government announced a review of Medicinal Cannabis. People still moaned about Brexit.



A group of lads from the green flats made some noise and pissed of a few people in the square .

St peters fair was held and as per f**king usual someone moaned. We suggested that the fair end with a public hanging.

Some military helicopters were seen over town, and some absolute idiots scrawled graffiti around town as well.

Also, Torridge district council and North devon council continued to battle it out, to see who could f**k up the worst.

In national news, England went on a brilliant run in the world cup, beating Colombia on the way, and restoring some pride in the national team. Predictably, people still got upset over Brexit.



Cars still caused hassle by parking in the square on a Wednesday morning.

Bodmin street was closed and caused chaos.

The traffic warden parked like a prick.

Some twat stole a 16 year olds 50cc motorbike.

Holsworthy became the world record holding ‘Wangers’.

The news website ‘Devon Live’ donated a bridge to the people of Holsworthy.

Ladyboy #1 and Ladyboy #2 picked a fight with a defenceless ‘fence‘ post.

And in maybe our greatest story ever, a man who wanted fish and chips was told to fuck off by the whole of Holsworthy.

In national news, the folk rock band ‘Runrig‘ played their last ever show. Also, grown ass adults still bloody moaned about Brexit.



A man in a small village called Bideford parked like a wanker.

South west water turned everyone’s water a shitty brown colour.

The ‘Tour of Britain’ came no where near Holsworthy.

Some wankers broke some bottles and caused hassle up near the park.

Holsworthy put up more scaffolding than the rest of the country combined.

Holsworthy town council decided that they wanted to kill all sea turtles.

The 3 month closure of the ‘Green flats’ was nearly up, and people wondered what they would become.

The puddle in front of ‘Peter, Peter and Wright’ grew to a ridiculous size, and annoyed pedestrians no end.

The parking down Station road was still a pain in the ass, as someone drove into 3 parked cars down there.

The Mayor was imprisoned for the greater good.

And finally, Holsworthy put on a truly spectacular event in remembrance of the fallen soldiers from WW1.

In national news, Katie Hopkins carried on be a massive thunderc**t. Oh BTW, people still moaned about Brexit.




Maybe Holsworthy’s greatest crime was committed when someone stole the Market cheeses sign.

Devon county council finally decided to get of their arses and sort out some roads around Holsworthy.

Storm Callum hit Holsworthy and moved some recycling bins around.

A quidditch player got stuck on the roof of Holsworthy’s school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Sandra Willetts nominated Holsworthy to win the Communitree, which we won, and also showed yet again what a great community spirit our town has.

Two brothers got into a fight, and aired all their dirty laundry for all the town to see, including their sexual exploits.

It was announced that there was going to be an election for a new Torridge district councillor. We at the Holsworthy Mafia endorsed Jon Hutchings.

In national news, Theresa May danced like a robot with a bad case of piles.  People still carped on about Brexit.

chees maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan


On fireworks night people moaned about fireworks, AGAIN!!!

Holsworthy elected a new Torridge district councillor, who took the elected name of Supreme leader ‘Darth Lord‘ Hutchings.

The Green Flats reopened and we found out who the new owner was.

In his first act as Torridge district councillor our new supreme leader ordered the Green flats to be painted Tory blue.

A man asked a question about an icy bridge and received a ‘Holsworthy welcome‘ .

A local man inspired an A list celebrity to the UK No1.

Storm Dianna crashed into Holsworthy and caused slight winds and ruffled a few tree leaves.

Holsworthy community police team held a ‘Beat surgery‘ up at the pavilion, so local residents could voice their concerns.

In national news, Doctors can now prescribe medicinal cannabis  And guess what? People still had temper tantrums about Brexit.

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Holsworthy asked two international superstars to switch on the towns lights. Surprisingly no one moans about it.

Hermes decide that they would become extra shit at delivering parcels right before Christmas.

It is announced that the ‘Factory shop’ is to close, with the loss of jobs for many locals. Our supreme leader released a statement.

A man in a yellow Seat Leon caused one of the biggest non arguments in the history of Holsworthy by driving inside the speed limit.

Holsworthy’s ugliest building (the old Nat west bank) was finally sold, for £300,000 less than they thought it would.

The pot holes in Holsworthy got so bad that one looked like an open air swimming pool.

The Phantom pooper finally returned to Holsworthy, with a vengeance.

In national news, the tolls charged to cross the Severn estuary were finally scrapped.  And in news that can be surprising no one by now, PEOPLE ARE STILL FUCKING MOANING ABOUT BREXIT !!!!!

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The Holsworthy Mafia would like to wish you all a happy new year. We hope that 2019 is a great one for you :)




Updated: December 30, 2018 — 10:04 pm
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