For many people the greatest mystery of this year has not been what is going to happen with Brexit, or who now lives in the green flats, or even ‘will Hermes deliver a parcel on time’. No, the greatest unsolved mystery in Holsworthy in 2018 is, who is silently shitting in public places. This smelly whodunnit has baffled the townsfolk of Holsworthy for the past year.
Well after a relative quiet period, the crafty crapper has returned with a vengeance.
The phantom pooper has been leaving his parcels of poop in many public places around town, but Stanhope park has been a particular favourite place of his (or hers) to drop trousers and knock out a batch of brown bum butter. His random excrement placement and intermittent timetable has upset many, and left our own town council perplexed and angry at the lack of movement on their part, in the search for this fecal fly tipper.
At approximately 11.02pm and 31 seconds today the 28th of December, a member of the public was out walking in Stanhope park when they came across the latest offering from the Squirmy squirter. His latest offering was left just before the childs play area, on the side closest to the main gates ( can we just say that shitting in public is bad enough, but near where kids play? that’s beyond fu*king disgusting), and was accompanied by a couple of pieces of tissue paper.
The Holsworthy Mafia reached out to our supreme leader ‘Darth Lord’ Hutchings, for his take on the Manure maniac. He had this to say:-
” Well this is definitely a Job i’ll be looking into. At the moment I have my number two on the case. He is looking at getting to the bottom of this, and hopes to have caught the culprit after following through with his investigations. He has logged many hours looking into this. This whole shitting in public is a slippery slope, we just hope this isn’t the start of some kind of movement. I have turd that the perpetrator may come from Bude, but I can’t confirm this. At the present time we are just floating ideas among ourselves, as to who it could be. What we can say is that who ever it is needs to improve their diet “
The Holsworthy mafia were sent a picture of the offending shit. So turn off now if you don’t want to see it, because quite frankly why would you?
The Holsworthy mafia will not be updating this article because, for fucks sake. We get sent some shit, but this one takes the biscuit when it comes to weird shit we have been sent. So we are taking a day off.