News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Devon County Council donates open air swimming pool to Holsworthy for Christmas.

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Christmas is the most glorious time of year. It’s that time of year when we drink to much, eat to much, and get to legitimately play with our kids toys. For many it’s the one time of year we get a gift for our loved ones and let them know just how much they mean to us.

 

Well it turns out that perennial shit birds, and rulers of this fair county (Devon county council), are no different to the rest of us when it comes to giving gifts. This year as a way of saying thankyou to Holsworthy for being the greatest town on the planet they decided to bestow Holsworthy with a rather special gift. Did they get us socks, you may ask? Was it a double pack of Lynx ‘Africa’ shower gel and deodorant ? Did they perhaps get us a complete box set of ‘only fools and horses’ ?. Well the answer to all of those questions is NO.  As a way of recognising our towns greatness those cheeky rapscallions at Devon county council decided to bestow our town with a new open air swimming pool.

 

A new ‘open air’ swimming pool, you say?  Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?  Well before you go getting your budgie smugglers on, and start rushing out for a brisk winter dip, it is probably best that you read the fine print.

 

Devon county council being the tight arsed, self interested wankers that they are, have only gone and placed this new and exciting attraction on the edge of Holsworthys busiest and biggest roundabout (talk about a passive aggressive move by the council if ever we have heard of one). This glorious bathing hole of H20 is located on the roundabout at the top of Waterloo hill. Smack bang in the middle of the road.

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Bathing times are yet to be announced, but we here at the Holsworthy Mafia understand that the council have asked the ‘Grinch’ to come and officially open it. We have however heard that Devon county council could not find it in their budget to add a diving board to this magnificent pool of muddy rain water. A move that is sure to disappoint Olympic bronze medallist and Devon resident Tom Daley.

 

The Holsworthy Mafia spoke to frequent road user, Tom Daley fan, and the driver of Holsworthys famous ‘yellow peril‘, Mr Jack days. He had this to say:-

” I was driving along, well within the speed limit in my bright yellow Seat Mii, when I hit the ‘swimming pool’. To start with I didn’t know what had hit me. When I stopped to asses the damage I realised that this bloody great pot hole had smacked the yellow straight off my car. I am fuming”.

The Holsworthy mafia also tried reaching out to Devon county council. However they were still of out celebrating giving themselves a hefty pay rise, and were unable to comment.

 

We also tried reaching out to the one County councillor who actually gives a shit about our town, ‘Sir Barold of Parsons’. However he was actually off doing his job, and trying to improve the lives of Holsworthy residents. As such was unavailable for comment. He did however send word that if we ever needed to hire a world class singer for any future events, he knew just the bloke.

 

We finally managed to get hold of our supreme leader ‘Darth Lord Hutchings’, who had this to say :-

 ” For f**ks sake lads, haven’t you got anything better to do?. Concerning the new swimming pool, I was gonna go for a swim but I have already seen a ‘floater’ gliding around on the surface, so I have decided to give it a swerve”

 

The Holsworthy mafia will not be updating this article as we are off to take swimming lessons, in anticipation of enjoying the fun at the worlds biggest pot hole.

 

If you would like to thank Devon county council, our just tell them what useless shits they are, you can contact them here :- your pot hole problems mean nothing to us.

 

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Updated: December 19, 2018 — 1:18 pm
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