News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Holsworthys ugliest building is sold, and to be shipped brick by brick to Bude.

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Every town has one. That one building that is uglier than a Kardashian on a day of the week. Well in Holsworthys case, that building is the old NatWest building in the square.


11 the square Holsworthy has sat vacant since Natwest bank upped sticks and buggered off, leaving us with a mobile van that turns up sometimes. The building, designed in the style of a 3 years olds drawing of a square house, has been described by various architectural masters as, “an eyesore”, “where hope goes to die”, “uglier than my 6 toed left foot” and “Plymouth, if it were a house”.


So when the property was put up for auction, the interest in it was expected to be absolutely zero. However when the day came for the auction, the place was packed to the rafters (mainly with nosey buggers wanting to see who might buy it).  With some estate agents giving it a valuation (obviously based on the amount of LSD they had taken) of a cool half a million pounds, the owners of this architectural miss adventure where hoping for a tidy windfall. Though when the dust settled on the frantic auction, 11 the square had sold for a £163,000, more than £300,000 less than what was hoped for.


The Holsworthy mafia spoke to some of the interested parties. ‘Davey Mctwitchy’ a crack dealer from Ruislip, had this to say:-

 ” I had a look, but my clients have standards so I had to pass on it”

‘Memphis Bawlerpants’ a pimp from Sheepwash, had this to say:-

 ” The client base was there, but after looking at the place I realised I couldn’t risk my reputation by putting my girls there”

‘Theresa Mayboti’ a delusional public servant had this to say :-

  ” Strong and stable, strong and stable, strong and stable, strong and stable”

Like the rest of the country we didn’t have a clue what she was on about, so we left her to upgrade to windows 10.


After literally no investigation we finally got to talk to the winners of the auction.  It turns out that the proud new owners of this housing disaster are a local Holsworthy based group known as the Neighbourhood watch alliance or N.W.A for short. We spoke to ‘Derek Lee’ the chairman of the N.W.A, he had this to say:-

 ” After much toing and froing, we here at the N.W.A decided that we had to buy this property for the greater good of Holsworthy. This monstrosity has blighted the landscape of the square for too long. We have decided that we are going to take it apart ‘brick by brick’ and ship it to Bude. Once we get it to Bude we are then going to use the bricks to help replace a section of the cliff wall that they recently lost. We always like to help out our scone hating neighbours across the Tamar”


So as you can see, we will soon not have to look at the building that has been described as ‘Freddy kruegers actual nightmare’. We hope the residents of Bude will enjoy the building as much as we haven’t.


The Holsworthy Mafia will not be updating this article as we are of to see ‘Memphis Bawlerpants’.




Updated: December 14, 2018 — 2:31 pm
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