News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

We ‘Anger Translate’ the Mayors statement on the Factory Shop.

- -- -


“There has been many comments on social media over the last week or so regarding the Factory Shop in Holsworthy. I thought it was time to put the record straight regarding its future”

 There have been a load of Idiots posting shit on ‘Moan and Groan’ about the Factory shop recently, and it boils my piss. So here’s what really going on.

“I was approached several weeks ago by a member of staff from the shop concerned about the possibility the shop would close. I was told due to the company had opted to enter into a Company Voluntary Arrangement (CVA). As a result of this the company were speaking to their landlords across all their stores to re-arrange terms. I was informed that negotiations were ongoing with their Landlord. I took it upon myself to write a rather long letter to the owners of the premises to express my and the towns concerns over loosing the store in the centre of the town”

  Holsworthy is literally the worst place for rumours, and like everybody else in Holsworthy I’ve known about this clusterfuck for weeks.  Turns out the owners of the Factory shop are a bit shit at business and were trying to mug off the landlord. I got bored one night and thought ‘Fuck it’, i’m gonna let those wankers know that the people of Holsworthy are fed up of getting fucked over by big companies (Tesco we are looking at you).

“I also pointed out that in my opinion finding another tenant would be difficult bearing in mind several of the larger premises in the town remain empty. Having made contact with the owners of the premises we have been in discussion regarding the store. The sad news is that the factory shop will be closing, i am not aware of the exact date but the lease will come to an end at the start of January 2019. Also very sad is that even the staff were not aware of this definite closure”.

 So I told them, I said ‘Look here, you turd burgers, Barclays and NatWest have fucked off, and its a bit shit that their places are sat empty making it look like big businesses don’t give a shit about our town square, so don’t you fuckers go doing the same’. They then sent me a letter saying ‘Nah, bolloxs, we’re definitely fucking off, and leaving you, you peasants. And fuck telling the staff. That would be the Human thing to do, and we’re not human. We’re robots that are only interested in taking your money (we’re just not very good at it).

“It took a copy of my letter for the factory shop bosses to inform the staff the infact the store will permanently close. A lot of blame on social media has been aimed at the ‘greedy landlord’. I can confirm this was not the case. The terms offered by the Factory shop were not sustainable on the building to the owner and the investors. I have made sure all staff were aware of this information before posting here”.

 I thought i’d better show the staff what was going on, as some of them are mates and it’s a fucking shame what’s happening to them. Some fuck knuckles have been saying that the landlord is a bit of a wanker, well this ain’t his fault. The Factory shop couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery, and their proposal of 6 cans of lynx ‘Africa’ and 4 pairs of ‘Superdry’ jeans really isn’t a fair offer of rent. So I’ve let my mates know that I was gonna post on moan and groan.

“However there is also some good news! a quote from the communication received from the premises owner ” Accordingly, I have now agreed terms with another High Street national multiple to take possession of the shop and their fit-out will commence shortly in the New Year. Consequently, Holsworthy should benefit from a new and financially stable retailer which, if anything, should enhance the retail offer and support the local economy generally”. I think you will all agree this is something positive. I wanted to get this message out in the town to stop some of the really negative comments about the ‘town dying’ when the factory shop left and the fact that there would be ‘another empty shop’. At this time the name of the retailer cannot be named but as soon as this is available i will pass it on”.

 Right!  Stop your pissing and moaning. There is some less shitty news. In one of the letters I got from the owner, he said that he’s got a new shop coming in ( I hope to god it’s not fucking Wetherspoons) And he’s said that the shop fit will start in the new year. So we can really expect it to start some time in 2026. He also says it a financially stable retailer, but we’ve all heard that shit before, so who knows?  This is probably positive, but you fuckers will still fucking moan about it. So all those people that are saying that the town is ‘dying’ can go suck my big fat hairy balls.  Now I should say I don’t know who is moving in, but this is Holsworthy, so off course I fucking know. I’m just not gonna tell you lot, because you’d only moan about that too.

“Regarding the staff of the factory shop here in Holsworthy, I hope you will all join me in wishing them every success in finding new jobs. There is never a good time for a business to close but at Christmas it makes life that much harder to digest. Regards Jon Hutchings, Mayor of Holsworthy”.

  As for the staff. Well we all know someone who works there, and this situation is beyond shit for them. It really is going to shit all over their Christmas, and no one deserves that. Any business closing is crap, but it takes a monumentally fucking stupid one to do it bang on Christmas. So we hope that who ever is to blame for this clusterfuck, comes down with a really bad case of the ‘Clap’.  Regards, your supreme leader ‘Darth Lord Hutchings



Updated: December 4, 2018 — 2:10 pm
The Holsworthy Mafia © 2017 - All content on this website is fictional fake news. Its here for your enjoyment only.