News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Hermes to start bets on what day your parcel will turn up

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The ever successful company Hermes, famous for successfully failing at doing the simplest task, handing a parcel to its recipient has just made a shock announcement, they are buying into the betting industry.

In what has become a shocker, they have announced customers can place bets when tracking their parcel on what day, week, month, year or even decade your parcel will arrive. You place a bet on what day your parcel arrives, if it arrives on that day, you win your money back, but if you loose, Hermes keeps the money and of course, your parcel.

The news comes as a concern to some as Hermes is now also responsible for delivering cash winnings from bookies allowing gamblers to double bet their winnings.

A Hermes spokes person had this to say:

So far, the system has worked well for us, if we delivery, we owe the customer their money back, if we loose the parcel, we get more money and with our new Amazon contract, things couldn’t be better.

Placing a bet is mandatory and the hedgerows outside our delivery depot are not our responsibility and we have absolutely no idea why Dereks clock from a boring enthusiast website and Susans vibrator from Ann Summers are sat there along with thousands of other parcels.

When we accused the company of basically earning money for loosing parcels, Hermes responded with this:

Look behind you, there’s a thousand¬†Police people

The Mafia have decided enough is enough, we’ve teamed up with our Local Hermes driver who is unusually awesome and actually makes the effort and have decided to make our own company. We’re unsure of what to call it:

  • Drop it Hide it Loose it
  • Useless Parcel Service
  • Royal Snail

We will not be updating this article as we are trying to find out where the Dons order of “Coffee” has gone.

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Updated: December 4, 2018 — 1:44 pm
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