News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

SHOCK, HORROR!!! As no one moans about completely FREE event.

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Holsworthy did what Holsworthy does best last night, and put on another amazing event. From really tall people with wings, to Santa’s reindeer. From A district councillor blasting out a rousing rendition of “Who the F**K is Alice”, to the worlds scariest wise men and clowns with masks on. There really was a little bit of something for everyone.


The weather played its part, and people turned out in record numbers. All in all it was a pretty amazing night, and a night that will long be remembered in the Holsworthy history books. Even a bomb scare (true story) earlier in the day couldn’t ruin this awesome night of celebration.


However as this was a free event that was put on entirely for the benefit of the community, the Elders of Holsworthy (the town council) had prepared for the inevitable moaning that comes with these types of FREE community orientated events. Previous moans have included such gems as :-

  1. Moaning about fireworks that had been advertised 6 weeks in advance for St Peters fair.
  2. Loud music coming from people playing music on a massive stage in the middle of the square.
  3. A mayor being seen to actually enjoy himself at a wedding of two of the towns residents.
  4. Holsworthy not having a premier league football team.
  5. Holsworthys refusal to charge for any event that benefits the community.
  6. The lack of three legged goats performing at the carnival.
  7. Holsworthys lack of access to the international space station.
  8. The amount of plastic on all of Holsworthys 3 beaches.
  9. The refusal of the town council to play Whale music to every visitor to the town.
  10. The lack of direct access to the Hogwarts express.

The organizers of the event had prepared lengthy explanations for all the possible variety of moans that might be directed at them after last nights celebration of Christmas. They had even hired PR firm ‘Knowle, Clucks and Given’ to be on stand by for the inevitable miserable bugger that posts on Moan and Groan. However, all the miserable bastards had taken the night off last night. And in doing so, they failed to air a single moan about the noise, lights and general happiness that went on in the square. All this lack of moaning has completely thrown the elders of the town. With no one shouting their outrage on social media, the town council have become completely unhinged, having never experienced a local event that they had put weeks of effort into, with out at least one twat causing a stink. Our supreme leader ‘Darth lord Hutchings’ has taken this lack of complaining the worst. He was last seen up Stanhope park walking in circles, muttering to himself something about “Must remember fireworks next year”. It has also been suggested that our supreme leader may take to moan and groan, to moan about the lack of moaning.


The Holsworthy mafia tracked down serial moaner ‘J.Ksrttyrrxzxzwgcy’ to ask him why he thought that no body had moaned. He had this to say:-

 ” It was just a really great event. the food was good, the beer was good, Santa and his reindeers were good, the music was amazing and you could just see that everyone involved had put a huge amount of effort into the whole event”


We also asked what he thought was the highlight of the event. Imagine our surprise when he didn’t say it was us helping turn the lights on, but his favourite part of the night was the worlds scariest nativity scene that was on display.


Whatever J.Krywrwrttxzcvc might think was the highlight of the night, i’m sure you can all agree that Holsworthy once again showed why it’s the greatest place on earth to live.


The Holsworthy Mafia have set up a webpage for anyone who might feel the need to moan about last nights amazing extravaganza. If you click on this link you can find all the answers to your moans :- The answer to your moan.



Updated: December 1, 2018 — 9:31 pm
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