News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Holsworthy police hold ‘Beat surgery’. Ravers turn up, only to be disappointed.

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Ravers from across the country have been left feeling incredibly disappointed tonight.  Lovers of electronic dance music have been sharing their excitement on social media recently at the forthcoming ‘Beat Surgery’ being put on at the Holsworthy sports pavilion. For weeks the ‘Buzz’ on the rave scene has all been about the upcoming dance event up at Stanhope park. Even though people saw that it was being put on by the ‘Holsworthy Police’ they just presumed the name was being used in an ironic way (a bit like some people using the name ‘the Mafia’, when really they are just a bunch happy go lucky unicorn lovers) and set of on their way to Holsworthy, for the rave of a life time.


People from far and wide had heard about the event, as word spread quicker than a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck. However, when over 32,567 people turned up expecting the night of their lives, they were left somewhat upset as it turned out that it wasn’t a rave after all. No, what these eager beavers turned up to was an actual Police community event, where concerned citizens can take their actual concerns to the actual Police.


Holsworthy Police were somewhat happy to see so many faces at one of their events to start with. But their happiness soon turned to consternation, as our bobbies in blue realised that they had thirty thousand gurning ravers on their doorstep.


The Holsworthy Mafia spoke to ‘Molly’ a Drum and bass enthusiast from Essex, who’s jaw seemed to not be working in harmony with her mouth. She had this to say:-

 ” What’s up guvnor? I’ve  travelled down the ‘M25’ to get here in my Mitsubishi. So i’m gutted that there is no party. I even left my dog ‘scooby’ at home with some snacks to be here. I was expecting an extravaganza with white doves being released and barrels, maybe even double barrels of beer everywhere, but all we’ve found are a couple of OAPs trying to find out if the pot holes have been fixed on their road. I’d brought my own snacks (biscuits) and everything to have at the disco. My friends even joked that my biscuits were now disco biscuits and that I had better not drop any, as they would get smooshed on the dance floor. I’m just so disappointed, we were expecting to see the ‘Chemical brothers’ but instead we got the brothers in blue. Maybe next time we’ll check things out abit more. I’m just gonna hop in my Mitsi, slam some XTC (they’re my favourite prog rockers) on the cd player and drive really slowly back to Essex”

The Holsworthy Mafia ended the interview there as ‘Molly’ had started to wonder off, muttering something about big fish and little fish and cardboard boxes. This made no sense to us so we left her too it.


The Holsworthy Mafia also spoke to the Holsworthy Police, who said that they were very happy that the ‘Beat surgery’ that is held up at Holsworthy sports pavilion had been a great success, and that they were also happy so many members of the public had turned out to see them. They did concede that maybe the name had been a little bit misleading, however they also said that they may put on some groovy tunes by Status Quo next time to appeal to the younger generation.



The Holsworthy mafia may update this article later as we are not very tired at the moment, and seem to have boundless amounts of unexpected energy  :)




Updated: November 28, 2018 — 9:56 pm
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