News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Storm Dianna crashes into Holsworthy and causes busiest Market in decades



We were warned days in advance that storm Dianna was coming. Newspapers like the daily express had told us that Apocalyptic weather was coming, and that we should all go hide in a storm shelter somewhere and ride the out the forthcoming hell on earth.


In preparation for this doomsday scenario the elders of the town (holsworthy town council) decided to close down the ancient and most venerable Market that usually takes place in the square on a Wednesday.


On Tuesday the Holsworthy town council called an emergency meeting to discuss the impending hurricane like conditions. After a sweaty 5 minutes of intense action, they all came together and then decided that closing the market was best for the safety of all concerned.


Well storm Dianna is here, and all the Holsworthy Mafia can say is “WOW” (no literally, tony is a bit ‘special’ and words with more than one syllable are hard for him). Storm Dianna crashed into Holsworthy this morning with some ferocious light gusts and a gentle rustling of leaves. Reports have come in of ‘Jill’ from Bodmin street nearly having her hat blown off, and ‘Terry’ from Victoria square reporting that his recycling boxes almost toppled over. Storm Dianna’s ferocity has been compared to that of a fairly tame kitten, and people are advised to carry on with their lives like we normally do when there is a little bit of wind and rain.


However, showing the grit and determination that has become synonymous with the Holsworthian spirit, many market traders still turned up. Infact so many market traders turned up that one eye witness called it “The busiest market i’ve seen in Holsworthy for years”


Below is a picture taken by the eye witness of what is described as “the busiest market in recent history”.


The Holsworthy Mafia spoke to the eye witness (who wished to remain anonymous). Nicholas Chublesucker had this to say:-

” Me and my husband were just coming into to town to shop at the factory shop, not expecting to see any market stalls. Well blow me over with a feather if I wasn’t surprised as all hell, when i got here. The market was the busiest i’ve seen it. I remember when that miserable bastard with the fish was here, and it was nowhere near as busy back then as it was today. I would go so far as to say that Storm Dianna has made Holsworthy market great again…..I might even put that on a hat”


The Holsworthy Mafia also spoke to Supreme leader ‘Darth Lord Hutchings’ to ask how he prepared for the impending tornadoes and tsunamis. He had this to say:- ” I just called Devon county council and told them to make sure the drains were prepared. They said ‘No’. So i said i would unleash the full power of the dark side of the force on them. Within 4hrs 20 minutes they had closed the road, and had started work sorting the drains out. Though they had put a sign up at the end of north road saying it was closed, forgetting about all the businesses in town that people could still access by using North road. Their incompetence will be dealt with.”


Photo courtesy of: Potato



The Holsworthy Mafia will not be updating this article as we have been called to a meeting with Mark Zuckerberg to discuss the future of our facebook page. We think we are in trouble again 😉



Updated: November 28, 2018 — 1:50 pm
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