Ahhh Holsworthy. Holsworthy is an amazing place to live, it has all you could want from a small rural town. A pub, another pub, another pub, another pub …. and another pub…….Perfect. It has even been voted the ‘Worlds greatest town’ by that esteemed publication ‘Janners weekly’. So it is understandable that people from strange and exotic places wish to come and settle here.
Such is the allure of Holsworthy that the elders of the town (holsworthy town council) had to establish a strict vetting system for those that wish to move to Gods own country. For those wishing to move here, a series of questions were devised to ensure that only the best of the best get to enjoy all that this great town has to offer. A sample of the questions are included below :-
- Can you drink 10 pints of doom bar and still argue the merits of ‘Cream First’?
- Do you know the difference between an actual mile and a ‘Devon’ mile?
- Do you know about Rob from down Glebelands, sisters, cousin shacking up with Dave the ‘chippie’ at last years St Peters fair? and did you know that they are 3rd cousins, by way of marriage?
- Do you think Rob should not have involved those poor sheep in the whole sordid affair?
- Do you agree, that even if you were a boy racer when you were younger, that now you are grown up boy racers are the worst, and should all be banished to Bude as punishment?
- Do you agree to abide by all the rules of the town, laid down by the owner of Holsworthy, Sir Alf Blackman?
Upon answering these questions and others, prospective applicants are then granted the secret password that allows them entrance to the UK’s greatest town.
Well today ‘Derran’ (we have changed the name to protect his identity) who hails from a far and distant land called London ( we checked, its a small town situated on the banks of the river Nile, in a country called Sweeden) found much to his dismay that moving here also involves much more than answering a few questions. He found that asking a simple, and quite reasonable question on the virtual notice board that is ‘Moan and Groan’ can induce a traditional ‘Holsworthy greeting’.
Derran posed the safety conscious, and actually quite community spirited question :-
“Just moved here so was wondering who’s job is it to grit the bridge to the primary school ,bit icy this morning” .
As we all know the bridge that leads to the primary school can be a right bugger when it gets icy, so ‘Derran’ was anticipating a couple sensible replies. However what ‘Derran’ didn’t count on was the fact that the traditional ‘Holsworthy greeting’ is infact a complete roasting by members of our beloved town. Our way of saying ‘Hello’ and welcome to our little slice of heaven. This traditional greeting allows townsfolk to weed out the ‘wet wipes’ and allows those people who still have their sense of humour intact, to assimilate into our glorious residence.
Here is a sampling of the replies, to his quite normal and perfectly reasonable question ( we are going to provide these replies with absolutely no context what so ever) :-
“Well you know the answer….. if you’re not happy with the icy bridge move back where you came from. Kind regards”
“Sounds like a Londoner, with the normal “it’s not my job” attitude, no community spirit”
“this is a local place, for local people”
” Comes down here, drinks our beer, impregnates our women, steals our jobs and then has the audacity to moan about a slippery bridge. Disgusting”
“Well what a welcome to the guy ,he was simply asking a question . How rude and ignorant can you be . Remember if you got nothing nice to say then don’t say it”
” A valid question and some truly pathetic replies“
” He’s on a slippery slope I say!“
” With the amount of council funding cutbacks by the tory government its amazing ANY roads are getting gritted”
***editors note*** we blame the Tories too. The roads were absolutely perfect under Labour.
” Jesus Christ (suppose I can’t write that)…… What on earth is this world coming too? There I was this morning watching the news and some feminist kicking off about the M&S advert, we’re teaching our kids that they can reassign their gender or even become a goat if they want to, yet I make one comment that is purely banter and all you lot climb out from under your rocks, dress up as warriors and start keyboard bashing. Get a life and go neck some Sambuca in the Golden Fleece you despicable sub humans.“
” Fuck it I’m off to Holsworthy to grit the bastard bridge. Chill, I’ve got this.“
” Holsworthy.. the place that’s filled with Jeremy Kyle reprobates and more drugs than Pablo Escobar could ever sell.. now a bridge that hasn’t been gritted, definitely the slum“
(ironically the person who wrote this comes from Launceston)
“Ok own up who put the 50p in the idiot element again? I’m glad to see nothing changes in Holsworthy usual welcome mat rolled out.”
” I am so sorry that the idiot element on this site can’t answer your question sensibly….. the usual suspects pop up with stupid answers.
Their attitude is appalling.”
“Please don’t salt the bridge, it causes damage to pets paws and also to their insides when they try to lick them clean and it’s toxic.”
And our absolute favourite, because lets be honest; would it even be Holsworthy if he wasn’t tagged?
” Get Thomas Barkwill to do it I would….”
As you can see from the sampling of replies, the traditional Holsworthy greeting was issued in full. We are however pleased to report that ‘Derran’ seems to have taken it all in the manner with which it was intended, and has realised that he truly has moved to the most amazing place on earth.
The Holsworthy Mafia will not be updating this article as some frickin idiot has nominated us to go grit the bloody bridge, so we are going to be unavailable for the next little while.
In all seriousness, welcome to Holsworthy to Darren and his family