Holsworthy held an election last night (November 8th) for the position of Supreme Leader of the Galactic Empire (or Torridge district councillor as some people call it).
After an intense battle where absolutely no blood was spilled, the vote came right down to the wire. Out of a 3542 possible voters, 1241 actually voted, proving once again that apathy is still rampant.
On the evening the results were as follows :-
- Darth Lord Hutchings candidate for the Galactic Empire ( Tories). 698 votes.
- John Allen standing as an independent. 314 votes.
- Tom Hammett candidate for the Labour party. 75 votes.
- Christopher John Styles-Power candidate for the liberal democrats. 151 votes.
The results were announced shortly after midnight and the Holsworthy Mafia were not there to speak to the winner. Darth Lord Hutchings had this to say :-
” I would firstly like to thank all my subjects, your continued service is required under Galactic law. I would also like to say to the residents of holsworthy that ‘I AM your father’ . To the people who didn’t vote for me i’d like to say that I find your lack of faith disturbing, and you have all failed me for the last time”
We also asked our new supreme leader how he planned to celebrate, he said this:-
” I will go home, put on my smoking jacket and celebrate with a quiet cup of tea and a slice of cake. I shall be taking part in no shenanigans…. Now be gone peasants “
After giving the Holsworthy Mafia his statement, Darth Lord Hutchings sent out one of his storm troopers with a list of Actions he will be taking in the first 100 days of his new office, and ordered us to print them or face the full power of the ‘Darkside’.
The list is as follows :-
- I will build a wall along the Devon/Cornwall border, to protect the rest of the country from the scone hating bastards that live on the wrong side of the Tamar.
- All hills steeper than a Skoda’s price tag, will be fitted with a Stannah stair lift.
- All White pubs on Fore street will be granted a 24hr license.
- I will be changing the spelling of ‘There, Their and They’re’. I will combine them into one new word ‘Theiy’re’.
- I will be demolishing the green flats and erecting a new Golden 2000ft statue of myself in their place.
- I will be moving the Holsworthy agribusiness centre into the town square, and introducing new opening times of 3:30 pm to 5:32pm every third Thursday of the month.
- I will be setting up a commission to look at the possibility of engaging a consultant, to carry out a survey designed to see if there is a chance that the ‘Peter Peter and Wright’ puddle may be looked at.
- I will be lowering the Chapel street bridge to prevent lorries getting stuck under it.
- I will be turning the old Bazzar into a Tesco extra mega store, with a 12 pump fuelling station.
- I will carry on fighting to keep Holsworthy the greatest goddamn place in the world to live.
The Holsworthy Mafia will not be updating this story as we are of to join the rebel alliance.
*** In all seriousness, congratulations to Jon Hutchinson on being elected to Torridge District Council ***