News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

African land snail nearly brings an end to all fireworks.

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In news that has come as a complete shock to us here at the Holsworthy Mafia, we can confirm that there will indeed be fireworks let off in multiple locations tonight ( November 5th).


This news came out of the blue as many people had just presumed that fireworks had been banned this year after an appalling incident that happened last year, involving Debz from no.28.


Last year ‘Debz’ from no.28 took to social media to tell the horrific story of how her African land snail had become slightly distressed by loud noises from fireworks, and had refused to eat some lettuce she had tried to hand feed it. ‘Debz’ was so distressed that she took to the internet and asked many random people on the world wide web to share her truly horrific story.  After receiving 3 comments, 4 likes and a share, she realised that she had no option but to start a petition to ruin everybody’s fun. A petition was quickly launched, and it soon joined the other 678,987 petitions basically calling for the same thing.


Despite Debz’s tale of sadness and woe, it has just been confirmed that the country will still spend Nov 5th celebrating the UK’s most famous home grown terrorist.


We Spoke to ‘Debz’ to get her thoughts on this development. She had this to say:-

      “I can’t believe this centuries old tradition is still going ahead. When I shared the story of ‘Tommy R’ my African land snail, I expected the immediate ban of all fireworks. I mean I put it on social media with suitably sad photo’s, so I presumed that everyone would think like me, and that the government (who don’t care about the disabled or our armed forces vets), would immediately listen to me and ban these over the counter explosives. Though my distress is nothing compared to the emotional trauma poor little ‘Tommy’ my African land snail is going to have to go through again. Last year I spent £599 on therapy for him, and I can see myself spending the same again this year. If this madness doesn’t stop i’m going to have to start another petition calling for all people to agree with me and realise the ‘hurt’ fireworks can cause to African land snails”.


The Holsworthy Mafia also spoke to the trackie bottom wearing chav, that set the fireworks off in the street outside Debz house last year.  ………………….. Actually we didn’t speak to him………. We found the little prick hiding inside his mates shoulder slung ‘Man purse’ and gave the little fucker a good kicking for being a dick, and ruining bonfire night for all the normal decent people, who are responsible with fireworks.



The Holsworthy mafia will not be updating this post as we are busy preparing our fishtank full of ‘Tetras’ for tonights festivities.



Updated: November 5, 2018 — 12:17 pm
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