News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Lundy Island to be turned into permenant ‘Love’ island for all the village idiots.

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Village idiots. Every Hamlet, village, town, and city has them. You know, the useless waste of semen that immediately spring to mind whenever there is juicy gossip doing the rounds. These are the bellends that have been kicked out of the local boozer for picking a fight with the fruit machine, and have then proceeded to stand outside the pub yelling to everyone and their dog about how they are going to “Do them”.  Whilst at the same time they are simultaneously shadow boxing and tripping over their own shoe laces.


Well after the latest incident of a village idiot ‘gone maze’, the local police force in conjunction with Devon county council and every other adult ever, have decided enough is enough.


Devon and Cornwall police had to deploy 4 marked cars, 2 vans and a dog handler, after a Village idiot had drunk one to many shandy’s, and picked a fight with a bin. This fight then escalated to involve his 4 drunk mates and 3 of their girlfriends, who were all only just trying to ‘help’……….. By helping they caused 5 more separate fights, that required another 12 officers.

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This was the straw that broke the camels back. Devon and Cornwall police have realised that they are spending far to much of their dwindling budget on this pointless bullshit, and have decided to act.


A meeting was quickly called between all the relevant authorities and Devon county council, and a plan of action was soon formulated.


Realising that all these idiots are fans of the mind numbing ‘reality’ show Love Island (and related bullshit), the police and council decided that they needed to produce their own version of this televisual chlamydia. After looking around for locations Lundy Island was put forward as a suitable site. It was noted that Lundys only inhabitants were 4 humans, 8 dogs, 2 goats and a puffin, and as such made an ideal venue for this new Devon based ‘reality’ show. After identifying this perfect spot, ITV was quickly called and a deal was soon in place.


ITV have agreed to keep the cameras rolling on this shit show for the rest of eternity, and have also promised to never broadcast it. Delighting all the adults in Devon.


This exciting new show is expected to start filming within the next 4 hours and 20 mins. The first Village Idiots are already being loaded  onto the ‘MS Oldenburg’ as we speak.


The Holsworthy Mafia spoke to Detective Inspector ‘W. Eedlvr’ who had this to say:- “Every weekend we have to put up with these knuckle dragging shit stains, fucking shit up for normal people. While at the same time they are preventing us from actually helping people who need it. Well fuck em’. We are not putting up with the shit anymore. They can all be shipped of to Lundy and spend their days putting on fake tan and applying snapchat filters to all their selfies. Whilst at the same time fucking and fighting themselves into oblivion”


The Holsworthy Mafia also spoke to ‘T. Modbody’ a lifelong ‘Love island’ fan. He had this to say:- ” I am so excited. I know they are not going to screen this on TV, but i’m gonna watch it anyway. I have already created a WhatsApp group with my 6 favourite imaginary friends, who are all as excited as me to see it. I think ‘Dean and Chantelle’ from Bideford are going to win it this year”.


To nominate your ‘Village idiot’ all you have to do is tag them in the comments below.



The Holsworthy mafia will not be updating this article as we were the first to be nominated, and as such will be unavailable for the rest of forever.

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Updated: October 27, 2018 — 8:51 pm
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