The Holsworthy mafia can finally reveal the true purpose of the 147 different recycling boxes and bags we have been ordered to use the last few months. After spending approximately 23hrs 42 mins and 23 secs a week sorting our rubbish into the correct containers, we all wait with baited breath on collections day to see how much (if any) T.D.C have taken away, and if we have been left the dreaded note that informs us that we are shit people for not recycling properly.
Well now after literally no investigation by us here at the Holsworthy Mafia, we can now exclusively reveal that these green containers of woe are not in fact for recycling, but are actually part of a secret health initiative cleverly designed by the coven that run T.D.C. This classified plan is designed to improve the fitness of Torridge residents, and is hoped to be rolled out countrywide if successful.
Their plan is simple. They have made containers that blow away with even the slightest hint of wind, and then they wait as householders chase after the green boxes of doom, and thus improve their fitness
As storm Callum (seriously why does everything need a fucking name these days?) hit, T.D.C waited and watched, as their nefarious plan went into action.
After having cornflakes this morning many people went outside to put their rubbish in the correct containers, only to find that their green boxes and bags had disappeared. Some fortunate people witnessed their green boxes blowing of down the road, and quickly hitched up their dressing gowns and gave chase, in a surreal game of catch that delighted curtain twitchers across north Devon. Other were less fortunate and found that their recycling boxes had vanished completely. What followed was the culmination of T.D.C’s secret plan. A game of Torridge wide ‘hide and seek’ that involved humans tracking down inanimate objects. Green boxes have been spotted as far a field as Holsworthy, Ilfracombe and Bideford. One green box has even been spotted hiding in a hedge on the A39 just outside Bude.
The Holsworthy mafia spoke to ‘Veronica Nipleclam’, a resident of Bradworthy. She had this to say :-
“I used the last of my special K for breakfast this morning and went to put the empty box in the recycling. Well when I got out side the bloody box was gone. I had to leave Tyrone and Ashley with the neighbours, while I spent the next 5hrs hunting down my box. I finally found it hiding 6 miles away in chillsworthy. When I got it home my box was dirty as hell. My husband ‘Dave’ had to spend a good 9 minutes cleaning out my dirty box. I’ll tell you something, I’ll be putting a very strongly worded facebook status up, just to let people know that the wind these days is not acceptable. I blame Brexit “
It is understood that T.D.C employed an extra 3298 people to monitor this health initiative, and have engaged a further 10,446 people to carry out a consultation on the results of this test. The cost of these extra people is to be announced at a council meeting that the public will be barred from attending.
T.D.C have announced that this game of ‘Hide and Seek’ will continue for as long as storm Callum lasts, or people put their recycling boxes indoors.