News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Has Holsworthys greatest ever crime been comitted ?

chees maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan


In what experts are calling the crime of the century, a local business has had its signage stolen (or misplaced). The white sign that usually hangs at the entrance to the pannier arcade has not been seen in a week. Now absolutely no local agencies believe it may never return, and has probably left the County on its way to a high end collector of Cheese signs.


In a highly unusual move it was reported to us (the Holsworthy mafia) instead of the police.


On the afternoon of Friday the 28th of September the Market cheeses sign was probably stolen, or put away by a caring member of the public for safe keeping, after it was left out by mistake. The sign, quite often compared to the ‘Mona lisa’, was last seen around 4:30pm about a week ago. Now local business man, and owner of Market cheeses Derek Stratton is brieond upset about the whole situation.


The Holsworthy Mafia spoke to Derek about this diabolical (sort of) crime. He had this to say :-

 ” I camembert it. I left it there in Gouda faith, but when I returned nearly a week later it was missing. I brie-lieve that this is a grate chance for someone to do the right thing, and return the sign. I don’t give edam who took it, I would just like my sign back. Whoever did this wasn’t very mature, I just pray to cheesus that they return it. I have caerphilly looked at the cctv, but I couldn’t see who did this.”


Not knowing really what to say to that, the Holsworthy Mafia decided to ask The owner of Market cheeses some random questions.


(HM) What is your favourite type of music?

(Derek)  R & Brie.


(HM) What is your favourite Eurythmics song?

(Derek) Sweet dreams are made of cheese.


(HM) What is your favourite Hotel to stay at?

(Derek) The Stilton.


The Holsworthy mafia were going to ask more questions, but Derek threw some cheese at us and told us to fuck off ……….. How Dairy!


If anyone has any information about this heinous crime, please contact Derek at Market Cheeses in the Pannier Arcade.

Below is a picture of what the sign looks like.

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Here is a picture of Market cheeses owner ‘Derek Stratton’ after he cut some cheese.

Screenshot (95)





Updated: October 4, 2018 — 5:03 pm
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