It has long been known that Cornwall has a problem with proper Cornish Pasties being infiltrated by weak, mass produced, inferior products. It is a problem that has torn families apart and ripped children from their homes.
For too long the people of Cornwall have had to deal with deadly, daily drops of ‘Ginsters’ on their families, friends, children, and homes. These imitation pasties filled with minimal amounts of meat and veg have severely affected many of the ‘victims’ who ate them.
These poor, vulnerable, Ginster survivors have had much to say, and we at the Holsworthy Mafia spoke to a couple of them.
‘Dave Treworth’ had this to say :-
” I ate one pasty and I immediately found my self dropping a bomb in the restroom of the Carriers. I mean they send their explosive pasty’s here, dropping them randomly and indiscriminately on poor unsuspecting folks who are just going about their daily lives. I have had no choice but to get my family out of here. I am paying a Devon farmer 2 tonne of swedes to smuggle me into Devon”
We also spoke to ‘Asafa Kadafa’ from Bodmin, who had this to say:-
” I moved here from Syria because my wife got a great job working in the NHS as a cardiac surgeon. But now? Now I have no choice but to get my family out of Cornwall. We came here because we had heard of the famous Cornish pasty and it’s delicious fillings. But what do we find? We find Ginsters. Ginsters are relentless in their attacks on us. Every other tv advert, billboard, snack bar, souvenir shop, festival and supermarket is trying to peddle these least Cornish of all the Cornish pasties on to us. I just don’t feel safe here anymore. I have no choice but to risk my family, my everything, crossing the Tamar in to Devon”.
We reached out to Ginsters for comment, but we were told to contact some company in Leicestershire (which didn’t make sense to us, so we hung up)
Devon county councillor ‘Ivor Expenisis’ released this statement on the matter :- “We are well aware of Ginsters campaign against the people of Cornwall, and we sympathise with their plight. However we can only take so many people at a time. So we have instituted a strict 5 people a day policy, and unfortunately they will be temporarily housed in a refugee camp on the outskirts of Bradworthy. However, any incoming refugees will have to re-evaluate their thought process, when it comes to the jam/cream debate”
A resistance group has also been in contact with us. Bude Underground Defence of Edibles or B.U.D.E for short, released this brief statement :-
” We have ‘Tasty Pasty’, we have ‘Pengenna’, we have ‘Landsdowne’, we have ‘Lansdown’ and ‘Polmorla’ and we will continue to fight against the corporate take over by those bastards at Ginsters. All refugees will be welcomed back with open arms when this war is won”
The Holsworthy mafia probably won’t update this article, as we are going to be to busy buying up all the second homes that are now available in Cornwall.