News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Holsworthy Town Council want to kill all Sea turtles.



Plastic is bad for our oceans and the environment in general. We know this because Sir David Attenborough said so. And as everybody knows Sir Dave’s words carry more weight than god. We also know plastic is bad for our oceans because, well … Logic and shit.


While other towns like Bude, Bideford and Totnes  have adopted policies to help reduce plastic use in their areas, Holsworthy town council decided  to kick the idea into the ‘long grass’ and effectively sentence all sea turtles to death.

At a Holsworthy council meeting held on September the 5th,  local councillors discussed the possibility of introducing a scheme reducing plastic usage in Holsworthy. After debating the situation for 45 seconds the council decided that two councillors should go away and look into it in more depth, and then return and report their findings to the Finance and general purposes committee.


In a move that wouldn’t be out of place in a primary school, one councillor even stood up and passive aggressively shamed another councillor because he had made the heinous error of bringing a disposable water bottle to the meeting. Proving that the art of debate is well and truly dead in our town.


Another councillor stood up and said that policies such as these would pass price increases on to the end consumer, and that in a small towns like ours, things like that had to be taken into consideration.  A completely valid point that really doesn’t help our story (so we are gonna ignore it)


At the end of the meeting the councillors did agree on one thing. This whole situation was the fault of Torridge district council and their recycling scheme.


We reached out to our Mayor, St John of Hutchings for comment but he was last seen driving of in his 8.2 litre, Diesel engine monster truck, in search of baby seals to club to death.


The Holsworthy Mafia will update this story, when we learn more.


UPDATE: The Vatican have just announced that they have demoted ‘St John of Hutchings’ to plain old, regular ‘John of Hutchings’ for his part in the death of millions of baby sea turtles.


** If you want more information about reducing plastic waste in your area, go here: surfers against sewage **



Updated: September 13, 2018 — 4:04 pm
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