News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Idiots in suits finally start war between Devon and Cornwall.



Some Idiots in suits working for a group with the terribly exciting name ‘Boundary commission for England’ (or ‘Fucking Idiots’ as they are also known as) have decided that the simmering tensions between the two counties of Devon and Cornwall over the jam/cream debate have not boiled over into the all out war that they had hoped for.


For years the Fucking Idiots at the Boundary commission have been fostering division between the two counties by promoting opposing ideas about the jam/cream conundrum on either side of the Tamar. Well after 1000 years of using this tactic, the melon headed fuckwits at the Boundary commission have finally conceded defeat, and have decided to take a more direct approach in their efforts to start a war between the two greatest counties in England.


After spending 602,789,943 pounds of taxpayers money on a completely pointless report, (who’s only purpose is to keep the greedy shitbirds of Westminster in power) the boundary commission announced their plan to join Bude, Bideford and Launceston in to a one county constituency. This would be the first cross border constituency of its kind, and perhaps the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. To add insult to injury, some goggle eyed ‘Oasis’ fanboy then decided to name this proposed idea ‘Devonwall’.


Here is a picture of the proposed new boundary: _103381186_devonwall2


Quite predictably the residents of Devon and Cornwall lost their god damn minds, and quickly took to the streets in unorganized protests. So far, militia have been formed in ‘Poundstock, Bradworthy and Monkleigh in preparation for the upcoming hostilities. Reports of people hoarding supplies have also been confirmed, with supermarket chain Morrisons releasing this brief statement:-

 ” Whilst there is war between Devon and Cornwall ,we will for the foreseeable future, be restricting certain items to one per customer. These items will be, ‘pasties, jam, cream, weed, alcohol and baked beans’ . all other items will be available as normal “


Geoffery Cox, the MP for Torridge in Devon has reportedly challenged Scott man, the MP for north Cornwall to a celebrity death match over this outrageous proposal. The winner of which will earn the rights to continue being completely useless, and will get to keep doing fuck all for their constituents.


Surprisingly, some Labour MP from Plymouth also piped up, and had this to say :-

  “This is nothing less than a cynical attempt at a bureaucratic power grab making it easier for the Conservatives to win an election before a single vote is cast.” . …

Residents from Devon and Cornwall both agreed that he had probably manged to say this with out insulting Jewish people.


We reached out to a Conservative MP for a comment, but he was to busy torturing the disabled and immigrants to answer us.


We then asked a liberal democrat MP for comment, but they didn’t really have anything to say.


We couldn’t find the Green party for a comment.




After reaching out to MP’s, the Holsworthy Mafia spoke to a couple of Devon and Cornwall residents for their take on the situation. First up was ‘James Reafer’ from Devon. Who had this to say:- ” It’s not on. There is no way we are giving up our imaginary line to share imaginary space with those scone haters across the Tamar. There is no choice but to go to war over this. On the plus side, at least we are not from Somerset”


Next up was ‘Edward Teach’ from Cornwall. Who had this to say:- ” I am not voting with those bleddy inbreds from Devon. We must have war. Though I suppose it could be worse. We could be joined with Somerset”





Updated: September 11, 2018 — 7:38 pm
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