News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Holsworthy to hold referendum on staying in the UK ….. #hexit



Whether you are for it or not, Brexit is universally regarded as a monumental fuck up at the moment. Both sides of the debate have been fighting with each other like two cats in heat, since the ham faced pig fucker David Cameron, announced the decision to have an in/out vote in February 2016. However recently the ‘snowflakes’ on the left and the ‘gammons’ on the right have come to a joint realization that Brexit is not going the way either side thought it would. Both parties have come to the conclusion that all our political leaders are fucking the whole Brexit situation ten ways to Sunday, and that the expenses loving bastards really only care about their own cushty MP salaries and not the wishes of the people they represent.


Well the Holsworthy Mafia can exclusively reveal that the ‘Elders’ of Holsworthy, (or Holsworthy town council as they prefer to be known) have themselves become fed up with the whole Brexit deal, and have decided that they needed to do something to take local peoples minds of the situation, and save them from the crushing boredom that is the never ending debate about Brexit.


Yesterday after an extraordinary council meeting that lasted well over 7 minutes, the town council announced that the good folks of Holsworthy would be able to decide whether or not the town stays a part of the United Kingdom, in a referendum that absolutely no one is calling HEXIT.. #hexit .


Holsworthy town council have said that this referendum will make life much simpler for the residents of this ancient market town. They believe that if we vote to leave the UK we wont have to deal with Brexit, and as such avoid all the bullshit that we currently hear about on a daily basis. However, they also believe that if we vote to stay a part of the UK we will all have something else to argue about, besides Brexit. All in all, they are satisfied that this solution will stop people moaning about Brexit.


Announcing the plan, local resident and notorious goat smuggler, ‘St John of Hutchings’ had this to say:-

  ” We in the town council have listened to the concerns of the townsfolk and have acted accordingly. On February the 31st 2019 Holsworthy will hold a town wide referendum on whether or not we stay as part of the UK.  At 6am on the morning of the 31st, all residents of Holsworthy will be required by a non existent law, to meet in Stanhope park for the vote. However we the town council are a little strapped for cash at the moment (we invested all the towns money into the green flats) and can’t afford voting booths. So we have decided to hold the referendum using the time honoured tradition of ‘who can shout the loudest’.  Both sides of the debate will line up on each side of the park, and at the appointed time will start shouting as loud as possible. The winner will be the side that shouts the loudest and for the longest time (foot stomping is also allowed). After this historic vote only the word ‘Hexit’ will be allowed. Any mention of the word ‘Brexit’ will result in banishment to Bude”


The Holsworthy Mafia spoke to ‘B. Dicksmith’ a prominent Hexiteer who had this to say:-  ” I blame those tourists, coming here with their caravans, dogs and multiple children. They take all our second homes and they look a bit different to us as well. None of them drive tractors and they can’t tell the difference between a turnip and a swede. I also believe Holsworthy Town council when they say they are gonna give £37.50 a week to the NHS”


We also spoke to ‘Doris Mangina’ a vocal Remainer, who had this to say:- ” I say welcome everyone to Holsworhty, the more the merrier. My genderfluid, vegan, tree loving sister/daughter will have more opportunities if we stay a member of the UK. I believe we can make our limited resources stretch as far as the eye can see, as long as the magic money tree stays working”




The Holsworthy Mafia understand that although our local MP Geoffery Cox can not vote in the upcoming referendum, he has said he will crawl out from Theresa May’s arsehole and support the side that gives him the best chance of career advancement (the winners).








Updated: September 10, 2018 — 4:57 pm
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