News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Cyclists hold national day of revenge … Tour of Britain.

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The Holsworthy mafia can exclusively reveal that a horde of cyclists will descend on north Devon today. In what is being called a national day of revenge, grown men wearing brightly coloured suits of lycra are planning on disrupting traffic across the whole region. Organizers say that this is a protest against cars, motorbikes, lorries and anybody else who gives them the finger, whenever they are overtaken.



The motoring nightmare is set to start in ‘Somewhere no one gives a fuck about’ and finish 38,942 miles later in ‘Honestly who gives a shit’, lasting approximately 45 years. The roadside is expected to be lined with millions of thirsty women who are just there to checkout the cyclists ‘Lunchboxes’ and take artsy photos that they can later add to their Instagram. Some men have also said that they are going to attend, so they can see what they might look like, if they too wore a full body condom and actually gave a shit about living a healthy lifestyle.


The Mafia understand that the goal of this demonstration is to enter the Guinness book of world records, by turning South Molton, Barnstable and Ilfracombe into the worlds largest car park. If they can cause tailbacks all the way to the Gordano service station on the M5, they will take that as an added bonus. If they achieve this record they will celebrate by drinking beverages with many electrolytes in, and shaving each others legs.


Theodore Bundy, head of Drivers Impact Cyclists Karma (the organization in charge of the event) released this statement :-

“Since the beginning of time cyclists have had to put up with ‘Dave’ in his white fucking van shouting “”That’s 50 points, that is”” whilst simultaneously pointing at us and flipping us the ‘bird’, as he screams past us in his shitty Mercedes sprinter van. Well no more! Today we are going to be out in such force that even if he points at us and shouts “”You lot together make a million points, you do”” he isn’t going to be able to get past us. We Cyclists pay our road tax and insurance, and our bicycles are MOT’d every year. So we are just as entitled to use the road as fucking ‘Dave’ is. It is not like we do 90mph in a 40 mph zone while texting our missus at the same time, is it? Once this event is over we can all go back to insulting each other over facebook, and all will be right with the world”


The Holsworthy mafia reached out to the ‘one bollocked wonder kid’ and cycling legend ‘Vance Legstrong’ for comment. However, the dirty fucking drug cheat was too baked out of his mind after injecting the marijuana, to be able to speak.



The Holsworthy Mafia will not be updating this article as we are to busy stuffing our faces with McDonalds and dreaming of one day taking a ‘Spin’ class.


UPDATE: Apparently this event will bring many visitors and some much needed money into the area, while at the same time disrupting people who drive for a living and thus decreasing business revenue.



Updated: September 3, 2018 — 5:32 pm
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