The regionally accepted sign that tourist season is officially over has finally been sent out this morning. In keeping with a tradition that dates back to 1369AD, South West Water were this year chosen as the utilities company tasked with giving the signal that it was time for tourists to bugger off back up country again.
Being South west water they decided to stick with what they do best and just simply fuck with peoples water supply. With the hope that people recognised the sign for what it was and didn’t think that it was just a broken water pipe.
Waking up this morning thousands of people across north Devon found shitty brown water coming out of their taps. After a little bemusement, followed by many, many hundreds of posts on social media complaining about the turd coloured water, people quickly realized that this was in fact not the Russian government implementing a mass Novechok poisoning, but just the local water authority announcing that it was time for grockles to leave the area.
The Holsworthy Mafia spoke to Vladimir Pudden of South west water, who had this to say:- “Firstly I’d like to assure everyone that I would never order the poisoning of anyone (honestly), I was just following E.U directive 666. Which states that all tourists must leave the area on the 1st day of September, so locals can go back to moaning about the lack of trade over Autumn and Winter. Directive 666 also states that all locals can now start blaming their neighbours again, for all the bad driving on Devon roads. Without Directive 666 local people would have to endure increased trade all year long which would give them absolutely nothing to moan about during the long winter nights, and we can’t have that now can we?.
In case the liquid diarrhea coming out of your faucets this morning wasn’t enough of a clue, we also announced that if you run your tap for 2 hours the water would clear up. Obviously when we said 2 hours we meant 2 ‘Devon’ hours, which all locals know equates to 10 hours in real life. However we knew tourists would follow this 2 hour advice, and give up after 2 hours and 59 seconds, and go home leaving the locals in peace and seasonal poverty.”
The Holsworthy mafia tracked down Essex native and visitor to Ilfracombe ‘Chantele Pricey’. Who had this to say:- ” We was lovin our Holibobs, but then the water went funny. I said to our Kev that, that’s it. I can put up with the beautiful scenery, amazing shops, great food and weird people, but I just can’t deal with water that looks like bum butter. So I says to Kev “Hook the wobble box up to the Audi estate and lets get back to where real people live”
The Holsworthy mafia will not be updating this article because honestly we can’t be arsed.