News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Man wants ‘Fish and Chips’ 1 hour after shop closes…… Gets politely told to ‘fuck off’ by whole of Holsworthy.



Holsworthy has done it again. After a relative calm period Holsworthy has gone into meltdown in the last 24hrs. People in the Holsworthy area say they haven’t seen the town in this state since some one moaned about the Funeral directors moving into the square.


The day got off to a bad start when townsfolk realised that Dave Millman wasn’t open, for only the second time in the last 237 years. Checks were quickly made and the news soon filtered through that Dave was in fact fine and was just taking a day off to spruce the place up a bit. This calmed the frantic population down somewhat, but a petition was still raised demanding that he be open tomorrow.


The Holsworthy Mafia asked Dave for a comment but he threw a Cauliflower at us and told us to “Get the fuck out of my shop you bloody idiots”


The day then went from bad to worse when a weary traveller strolled in to town looking for a tasty supper of fish and chips. Presuming that all shops in town stay open merely for his convenience he made his way over to Crisp and dry. However his nutritional snack of fish and potatoes was not to be. For Crisp and Dry had closed at 8:30 a whole hour after their normal closing time and thus denied him of the fried cuisine he so craved (the heartless bastards).


Instead of thinking “meh, no worries” and maybe having a word with the owners next time he was in to check opening times, our intrepid consumer decided to become a living vagina and then proceed to let everyone know about his hurt feelings on social media.


His full rant is as follows :- “MOAN – Crisp N Dry won’t be getting any more business from me. I gave the new owners the benefit of the doubt three times and each time I got terrible customer service (not much wrong with the food); this evening they were supposed to be open until 9pm but were already closed at 8.30pm. The only place left open this evening (and Sunday) in Holsworthy was KJ’s. I will have to go back to Taffs in Torrington for my fish and chips. All the Holsworthy takeaways need to be less complacent if they want to survive. Rant over.”


Upon reading this the whole town of Holsworthy quickly called an emergency meeting in the memorial hall car park to formalise a response. After several seconds of intense debate an answer to the rant was soon put together. The town decided to politely, but firmly tell the incensed customer to “Fuck Off to Torrington then”.


The Holsworthy Mafia tried getting a comment from Crisp and Dry but all we heard was “For fucks sake lads please don’t”.


Holsworthy mafia also tried getting a comment from ‘Taffs’ the chip shop in Torrington that was mentioned in the now famous ‘Rant’, but they were to busy listening to Jimi Hendrix with the rest of the hippies from Torrington.



The Holsworthy mafia will probably not update this article as we can’t be fucked.



Updated: August 20, 2018 — 11:03 pm
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